“dude, are you fucking serious?” is probably the first thing you’d say if i stepped into your office. maybe a sigh and i know i’d do my best to silence a laugh. one of those things where i stare at my shoes while you pass judgment, which is what i pay you for to be fair,

i did the one thing you told me not to do, which is move back home. i think it’s mostly because it’s a way of returning to something familiar rather than doing my best to try something new. something about being dependent on people, dependent on places, dependent on things that feel familiar instead of throwing myself head first into the wave pool that is NYC as you’d always say.

i haven’t spoken to you in a year, mainly because my credit card would bounce and maybe you’d make a comment about it, but you’re the only person who i think i could be able to talk about this with - simply because it’s terrifying to think about

i’m 25 now, last you saw me i just turned 24 and i remember just…freaking out on your couch. i’ve tried giving up klonopin and told you my plan was to just start drinking more, which concerned you, but you told me “whatever it takes to help you progress in life” - which was your way of saying i needed someone more than just a therapist to talk to.

i tried finding guidance through all the new friends there, but in reality, they were lost in whatever place they were mentally in and i just sat there, squeezed in the middle of people who had no idea what’s going on, but somehow got it together more than i do

you told me about what it’s like to have friends as an adult, simply because i never understood it (and still don’t). it’s drastically different than what i remember, or more so, how i think friendships should work and i think about the naiveness i showed when i spoke to you about it. you’re a father, a father of 2 and you don’t have time for things like “friends”. you say you’ll ignore a call from your best friend - your cousin - and you’ll probably reach out next month because friends aren’t really the top priority right now. lots of voicemails that go unanswered, texts unanswered, birthdays never attended because you’re a busy father and you’ve got a whole life ahead of you.

this is called “life” as you said, it’s part of being an adult. being an adult means you shift whatever you’re used to into this new world of unspoken rules, ever-changing destines, but you’re somehow supposed to put it all together, or at least pretend to.

i wish i could have one more session with you just to talk about how things are going. you’d be pissed off for me moving, i know that’s for sure. but i’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised about how i feel i’m failing as an adult. i still feel so new to so many things, i feel like i’m not 25 but as if i just turned 18 and finally got my first credit card.

i feel lost and sometimes that’s “ok” but there’s this unspoken rule of being lost but being too lost that stresses people around you if you talk about it too much.

people keep saying not to compare myself to people who seem to have it all together, but i’ve never thought of anyone as having it all together. give anyone enough alcohol and a shoulder to cry on and they’ll tell you they don’t have it together. they’ll tell you they fell behind on a credit card payment, they hate their job, or they’re scared of the future. if anything, i think i do that too transparently and sober. i mean, i am also blogging this on the internet to be fair.

therapy has always been this weird one sided conversation with you explaining the pains of growing up and it’s about toughening up. it’s about advocating for your raise, it’s about thinking about what your wedding will be like, what genes you think your kids would get, it’s the second degree you’re thinking about getting, it’s opening a mortgage, it’s putting a down payment on a new house, it’s about going through the motions, it’s about moving to different towns, it’s about letting people go, it’s about holding on to people for too long, it’s about getting used to new things, it’s about getting used to old things not being there anymore, it’s about being scared of the future, it’s about not being scared of the future to be resilient, it’s about never showing fear, it’s about only showing fear when you feel safe, it’s about knowing your environments, it’s about being thrown into new environments, it’s learning about yourself, but it’s also learning to not know anything about it.