we’ve never talked about it much and that’s ok i think. i’m not sure if i’d want to actually hear your thoughts on this one. i’ve heard a sneak peek and it was a lot for me to handle (and it wasn’t what i wanted to hear).

being an adult is weird but having friends as an adult is even weirder. it’s not like it used to be growing up, or maybe it’s just me. i want to have friends where it’s a simple “u up?” type of friend where you’d be able to drop everything you’re doing (if you’re free) and go out for pizza or something. you live across the street right now and all i’ve ever wanted was a quick “hey ant, you busy?” even if i do the asking, somehow you’re busy when in reality, i know you’re not.

it’s something i didn’t realize would go missing one day and if i told my younger self, i’d probably tell him to expect that being an adult is even harder socially. i’d tell him to buckle up, which i know would really scare him into really doing his best to make the most out of everything.

i spoke to my therapist about this, the thought of having friends as an adult. he said he found it unrealistic that i expect a text back on the same day or even the same week. he mentioned he was lucky to hear from a friend at all and that i should just “get used to it since that’s what it means to be an adult”

i spoke with you not too long ago and i remember asking if you ever felt lonely about all this. i told you after quitting my job, everything has been a lot for me to handle. i sit alone in my apartment. i study for a bit. i go walking to subway, maybe stop at a 7/11, and i’m back on my couch. i’m watching re-runs of ugly betty. it’s boring and annoying, but according to you “that sounds like a luxury”. according to you, you don’t go out much and you just finished 100cc on mario kart. that’s your definition of fun these days. power to you i guess and i hope you didn’t get offended when i said that sounded isolating.

is it wrong for me to assume you’d want to hang out more? i feel like this hyperactive child who wants to do everything, eat a lot of sugar, and go out on the town. apparently i’m the only one, but i thought you were too. can’t we just, go to target together?

go ahead and say the thing you’re going to say, since i know you will, but this was the thing about my old roommate. sure he was a [this is why i hate notion, i can’t say what i want to say here without getting flagged], but at least i got some attention out of him. it was always a “hey ant, wanna grab pizza?” from him, instead of a “i’m free in 3 weeks?” or “anthony, i have a life. try making other friends.” when i ask you to hang out.