my parents are visiting tomorrow for thanksgiving. it’s a strange feeling because i’ve never really hosted thanksgiving before, although it’s not really thanksgiving.

my sister, brother in law, and nephew are flying out of state to have their thanksgiving. one aunt died, the other moved and now it’s just. my parents.

i don’t think i’ve had a thanksgiving before where almost no one is there. this is actually the first thanksgiving where my dad isn’t making a turkey. we’re not all sitting around the TV watching the dog show while my sister is extremely excited talking all about it. where my dad is endlessly trying to make the food perfect, my aunt complaining about NFL, my mother prepping the table, and dogs running around excitedly waiting for food.

this thanksgiving is. tamales. and a restaurant we can find that has nice good food. thanksgiving is my studio apartment. half decorated. extremely messy with my bedsheets on the floor waiting to get cleaned and a chick-fil-a bag that should have been thrown away days ago. flat dr pepper and vodka in the fridge.

it’s not the same and it makes me physically sick to my stomach. it’s hard growing up knowing things are different. i had a hard time with christmas being different - my parents aren’t putting up the christmas tree anymore because it’s too much work and they’re getting older. gifts are mostly just bank transfers. homemade meals are heb mealsimples and half of my family isn’t there anymore.

i get it. i’m growing older, things change. i just. i don’t know. it’s not like i took it for granted, at least, i don’t feel that i truly did. i just never really thought things can change. i never do. change just happens so suddenly and everyone can adapt to it so well but i cant. i’m just stuck in the same old time loop waiting for everything to feel normal - go back to normal.

i’m constantly feeling like everything is changing. category 5 hurricanes all around me while everyone is feeling normal.