i want to lie down on your floor. i think you’d like it, you’d offered me to do shrooms together and i said no. well first of all, i don’t think they’re legal in new york and second of all, i’m not sure of the CPT code that’d let that go through my insurance, mr. medical professional.

it’s been i guess, 1.5 years since i’ve gone to an appointment. in reality, i didn’t get much out of it. it was more of the concept, the idea i can talk to someone that had the knowledge of the world and a nice way of getting approval for feelings. it’s nice to hear a harvard grad tell me start drinking again if it helps my anxiety, it was nice.

it’s hard being 25 tears old and have the pressure, not of the world, but rather yourself. at times i feel the world is crashing on me because of FOMO, the idea that you’re wasting your life away for a career that’s supposed to allow you to enjoy your life better. the idea that you’ve missed out on so many things.

i don’t even know how to describe all of the feelings and i know, i know, comparing myself to other people isn’t the way to go. i’m not supposed to look at people and think “look at all the talent they have while i have none”

i don’t

i miss being back in NYC. i’ll scream it from a rooftop that i miss my old toxic manipulative roommate. he’s in london somehow and i don’t know how he keeps a job if he’s always moving. it was fun for a good 6 months that i had crazy experiences. you ever speed down a highway at 150 MPH while listening to cringy music? i have. living in a really nice apartment, going out for drinks with people i met online, and throwing myself into the unknown with random strangers was fun. that lasted 6 months before it all came crashing down.

when i talk to people, they’ll have these wild memories and times. i feel like i'm some overly censored person, where my wildest memories are not even in comparison because i’m boring. people talk about wild nights that end in throwing up outside of bars or somehow end in an orgy. my nights usually end under a blanket, decent bank account, a moderately fun time, and no orgies.

i miss NYC so bad because it cured my FOMO for a bit.

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i spend a lot of time on linkedin and blind, where everyone is somehow younger than be but have money in the millions. they’ll say their net worth is like $2M, job is making $200k, etc. they’re complaining that Meta is lowballing them with a $300k salary and at 23 years old, they’re offended.

i had a meeting that for some reason i was invited to (and never invited again) with a security startup my company is collaborating with. the two founders were best friends and didn’t even finish college just yet, they’re sophomores running a company worth millions. in comparison, i activated a 5% mcdonald’s cash back when i use my points for free food.

i don’t know what to make of my life because i feel like a blank canvas. i don’t have much hobbies besides maybe watching twitch,