sometimes i think about the missed opportunity of understanding you. the enigma you hide from others, your friends, your partners, your family, and even myself. sometimes i think about your therapy session i sat in on, feeling like i was intruding on something i wasn’t supposed to hear.

“it’s fine ant” and the entire session just sounded like you rehearsed it, perfected it in order to go through the motions. to tell someone you’ve worked on yourself and even i, barely knowing you, could tell it was just an act.

the more men i met in life, the more i realize a majority of them are acting. and i know, i know. “no one has together” and still to this day ive never thought that for a second.

i just wish i could unlock more minds, more brains, more feelings, more truths. say what you will about my ex-roommate, but what an interesting person to study and understand. you’re crying in front of me saying as you say you’re trying to find your mother in the women you sleep with or the father you’re trying to replace for your little brother.

don’t ever think i couldn’t see you trying, because despite the shitty things you did, i still remember the dynamic you had with your brother. that was the unlock to your vulnerability, the unlock to what made you tick and what i was trying to find.

it was the way you told your brother you were proud of him, the way he looked up to you and told you “i want to be just like you”, and you trying not to blush and say “yeah sure little buddy”

it’s the little things i love to see from people. it’s hard to find this key every time but i do my best to grasp it and keep it on a keychain spinning around my fingers. sure, ive lost a few keys and maybe im learning a few lockpicking skills, but its something i want to work on.

you know, ive never seen you cry and that’s a goal of mine - a notch on a key that’s a sign of a breakthrough, an understanding into you more. even as you spoke about what your attempts at suicide, your letters you wrote to your boss blaming her for the way you saw yourself. the most i’ve seen was the way you slammed the door while i sat alone on your couch wondering if i lost your key again. i did by the way and i don’t think ill ever get one again.