https://open.spotify.com/track/2Ejb82CnEY9OCuae9hcC9L:

“Lord, be near me

My final hour

I once had sight

But now I'm blind

Oh, I tried to be

A second coming

And if I was

Nobody knew

If my throat can't sing

Then my soul

Screams out to you”

i got the call this morning. or in fact, i made the call this morning. my parents texted me early in the morning that i should give them a call.

i could already tell the vibe of the call by the time I clicked on my mother’s contact. my hands shook a little bit, but i knew i had to do it. i could already feel the news down my spine. my parents flew back from their international trip. at first it was a cousin who killed himself last night, but i already knew that. but they wanted to call again.

apparently she stopped eating a few days ago. my other aunt got a hotel near the assisted living to be near her as much as she could. the nurse found her unresponsive at 3AM. doctor pronounced her dead within the hour. my parents, 33,000 feet in the air, getting the call over shitty airplane wifi. i can picture it vividly. my mother crying hysterically on the flight, pacing back and forth, and dropping her iphone. my dad trying to calm her down and the passengers staring, not knowing how to respond.

i took today day off, sort of. it feels weird to get all the teams messages from coworkers telling me they’re sorry for my loss, an email from my boss telling me that i found the best care for her that i could in the end, and my mother telling me that she’s with my grandmother now.

i slept the whole day, unable to process everything. i get glimpses of realization and then just stop afterwards.

one second, i’m crying on the floor of my apartment with a $2 sundae from mcdonalds, the other i’m responding to a comment on an excel spreadsheet. i’m reviewing a contract for an IT consulting project while my hands are shaking wiping the tears rolling down my cheek. i turn off my camera and say my day is going well on every teams call.

it hits in waves.

i still have this strange thought of having to somehow still take care of her. it’s almost as if i have to make sure she gets the best seat in heaven or try and find out if tempur-pedic offers overnight shipping into the unknown. i wonder if she needs to get her medication refilled, even though i know she doesn’t need it. the idea of getting her hospice updated and all her care coordinated still runs through my mind. even after her death i still ask myself, “Do I need to tell her PCP about this? Does United Healthcare need to get involved? Do I speak with Caremark about not refilling her medication?”