i don’t think i’ve gotten personal with you in a while. mostly because everything so fast and quick these days, i feel like i can’t. or maybe it’s the feeling of being tuned out if i get too real.

it’s been about a few months since i’ve quit my job. i’ve spoken about it briefly, but it’s still something i want to get out in some sort of relieving scream session or maybe drinking enough applebee’s gummy shark margaritas to feel a bit alright.

it’s been this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions because of all of this and i’m not really sure if i’m doing a great job of handling it. i’m in my 20s, 24 to be exact, and i already feel like i’m failing. in my comparison to you, there’s giant and obvious differences. you’re someone put together, or at least that’s what you’re presenting to me. in contrast, i have two bowls of half eaten cereal on my floor and piles of clothes stashed in the corner of my room.

if i were to keep comparing myself to you, i can see someone who has it all together. thinking 5 years ahead while i can barely think about what i'm going to eat the next day (maybe subway?). i’m panicking on floors, you’re planning vacations. i’m sitting alone typing on a phone keyboard, you’re partying on an instagram story.

you can say it’s because we’re in different stages of life or we’ve socially developed in different ways, and maybe that’s true, but that doesn’t mean i don’t compare myself to you quite often. i don’t even have a degree.

i feel like a mess and the world hasn’t really given me a break to catch up like you have. maybe it’s because you’re able to learn from your mistakes while i keep drowning in mine. i can say it’s not fair, but what does that really buy me?

i don’t know what i'm doing, but i feel as if i yell it to someone like you it’s just going to go nowhere. it’s always a “well anthony, it’ll get better” or something like that. we’ll keep scrolling past my rambling texts in desperation and we can pretend i didn’t send them. from delivered to read to scrolled past.

the room is spinning. and no it’s not because i’m hungover and no it’s not a side effect from anything - i’m just lying down and having another existential crisis. it’s been a few months since i’ve had a job and lately it’s been hitting a bit harder than it should.

maybe it’s because you filled me in on what’s going on down there, which mostly are things i think the new IT guy is fucking up on. it’s nice to know my replacement is absolute shit, but i guess at least he has income while i have past due bills.

i’ve been in this weird space in a while, mostly because i’ve heard about you and everything going on in your world compared to mine. it’s hard to process news when i immediately compare it to myself.

i’m in my competitive era, which i don’t think you’re aware of, but it’s something that’s becoming new to me.

did i tell you i completed 3 of my college classes in a day? i got my security+ after hearing a new guy got hired at my last job. i spoke with my university to lean more about a masters degree after i complete my bachelor’s, as well as spoke with my community college to get an associate. i’ll probably even add graduate degree, even though that’s useless in the IT world.

you’re going through all of the levels of ring fit adventure, so maybe i’ll buy a ring-con so i can beat you before your playthrough ends. i looked at the prices and i could get one delivered within 1-2 days and i also already bought resistance bands.

my oculus has a lot of workout apps now, but i have to get into shape before you do.

i just have to do all of this for some reason.

it’s hard to realize i heavily compare myself to others who have a degree, mostly because i realize people’s perception of me drop when they find out i don’t have a degree. i never told anyone, especially you, how it feels like to be outed in a new completely way - as someone who is considered uneducated. i just think about how everyone always looks around the room not knowing how to respond.

it happened again not too long ago at my new job - when i mentioned that i would be taking a networking exam for my degree. apparently everyone glanced at my resume and didn’t see the part where i mentioned it was still in progress. everyone in the room had a degree. most likely everyone in the entire office has one (not including the customer support team - sorry y'all). the same look and judgement i had from you and everyone in the room of my last job still lingers everywhere i go.

i think about when my college asked me why i decided to get a degree, as this was in their onboarding. the options were mostly like “because i want to learn new things” or “i want a raise at my job”, but there wasn’t any option for “i want to be respected among my peers”.